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PROLOGUE
The reflection looking back at me was different. Gone were the long permed highlighted blonde locks replaced with a short, red, asymmetrical bob. As I look back, I don't remember what prompted such a drastic change. It was fall 1988 and I was beginning my second year of fashion school soon. After calling several salons, I finally found one that would give me an appointment that day. I remember walking into the hair salon and saying, "Take it off!" Later that evening my husband returned home to a new woman, and he was not happy. Dinner was simmering on the stove and I was sitting on the sofa watching my three-year-old daughter play when he came in the door from work - His first words were, " Did you cut your hair off!? My response was, "I didn't." He never liked my red hair- ever. Eleven years later when we were divorced, he still hated my hair color. I don’t think it was ever really about the hair but more about a life-changing marker. I was changing. Or maybe, I was becoming. Every woman should become - and we all would if it was easier to do so. It's not. Things and people get in our way and we let them.
Becoming looks like a bull running through a china shop; It's violent and people get hurt. Those observing the incident from outside the shop have an opinion and take offense. People take your changes personally. When I gave birth to both my son and daughter it was messy. There were things I experienced pre-birth and post-birth that were gross. The outcome was this beautiful baby boy or girl, and it was worth it all but in the mix, things can get pretty ugly. You may know what I'm talking about. You probably laugh about those nasty experiences now, but they were not funny at the time they happened to you. I can laugh now about my becoming. But then, it was painful, messy, and yes, occasionally gross.
I was born with the darkest of black hair and it remained black until I was two years old. When I look at those old photos, I'm just in awe at the contrast of my dark hair with my light blue eyes. My mother and father were both dark brunettes with blue eyes. My sister Adell (8 years older than me) was a blonde, but Mary - one year older - and Tina - two years younger- were both brunettes. The one thing we all had in common was our very light blue eyes. As I left my toddler years behind my hair began to lighten. My school photos at 4 years old showed I was a blonde. I spent the remainder of my youth blonde. It wasn't until I passed my twenty-fifth birthday my hair began to darken, and I started highlighting it in the winter months to maintain its blonde look. I was every hair color in the natural with the exception being RED. So why did I go Red? I could muse here and say that no one else in my immediate family had red hair and I was trying so hard to not be like them. Or, after a year of fashion school, I was becoming braver, and going red was a pretty brave step. Both of these statements would be true. But, most of all I think it felt right. Red felt like me. I have joked over the years that God made me every other hair color naturally except the right one - RED!
Deciding and doing are two separate activities when becoming. You can decide and never do. Someone once said to me that when I decide to do something, I do it! They were referring to a room I painted that morning. I shared with them at dinner the evening before that I was considering painting the room yellow. It was yellow when they stopped by the next day. They decided to paint their spare bedroom blue and were still looking at paint swatches 6 months later. This was true for my hair decision. I decided to go short and red that morning, and by that afternoon I was - Short and Red. I did not know why my decision to change offended so many people. My mom and sisters, church friends, and especially my husband behaved as though I smacked them in the face. I guess maybe I did. When someone changes something it’s a sign that they are not happy with the status quo. The worst-case scenario is they are not happy with you.
It’s hard to stretch in a family that holds everything so tight. Everything is a community decision – If I don’t need that why do you? The truth – I was suffocating. I just did not know how much yet. Registering for college; and chasing my dream of fashion rocked some people’s world, but not as much as changing my hair color. If someone tells you appearance doesn’t matter – don’t believe them. Fashion wouldn’t be such a big market if it didn’t.
A few years after graduating, I started teaching makeover classes to abuse survivors. To my surprise, the same family dynamic cropped up in most of my students. So, it wasn’t just my family! It seems that others had to deal with offended family members and friends. Eventually, I started my beauty classes with a disclaimer; "Beauty is Dangerous - this is not for the faint of heart."
Becoming is not exclusive to your physical appearance. It is a decision prompted by your Spirit, executed by your Soul, and realized by your Body. It takes every part of you working together to run into that china shop and declare "Take it off!" If you are like me, you have had several china shop moments in your life. Maybe I should title this book “China Shop Moments,” because that is really what I’m sharing with you: my journey of breaking things, wounds, collateral damage, and offending people. But, it’s also a story of stretching and chasing my becoming - because on the other side is overwhelming gratefulness and a woman I love.